Thanksgiving Day

And I have a lot to be thankful for.

1) I am grateful for the 4 day weekend.  I needed it, and even though it's going to be busy, at least I can sleep in!

2) I am grateful for black friday!  And yes, I do plan on waking up super early just so I can to target and buy some cheap movies :)

3) I am grateful for pumpkin pie.  I made two last night, and even though it was just scott and I, I still had fun upholding the "tradition" by myself :) (well, and Scott!)

4)  I am grateful for a clean house!  Roby and I cleaned up fairly well for Scott's parents coming over last night, and I just love how nice the palce looks!

5) I am grateful for the new TV that Scott's parents brought for me!  So excited to watch girly tv and NOT have to bug Roby :)

6) I am grateful for my health.

7)  I am grateful for all of the distractions that have been surrounding me the last couple of weeks.  I haven't been able to stop much and think about how sad this holiday actually should be this year.  Yay for denial.

8)  I am grateful for sweatpants!

9) I am grateful for having my phone again.  Well, not the same one, but a new replacement one!  Even though it really wasn't THAT bad not having one for a couple of days.

Gotta Make it Quick!

1) I am grateful that the only thing I lost this weekend was my cell phone.  It could have been worse.

2) I am grateful that I had insurance on my phone, and it was only $100 to replace it.

3) I am grateful for reduced fat berry coffee cake from Starbucks.  Even if it's more cake than reduced fat.  It's still scrumptious.

4)  I am grateful that our ASU meeting is at Rose Linda today.  It'll just be nice to have one less place to run around to.

5) I am grateful that I have a pumpkin pie date on Wednesday!  Well, not a real date, but last year I had SO much fun making pies, that I thought I'd repeat the tradition this year.  Yay!

6) I am grateful for lady gaga.  Even though she's weird as hell, her music is so upbeat, it just makes me wanna dance!  Can't help but feel a little happier after listening to her ridiculousness.

7)  I am grateful for the oreganos pizza that my roommate has decided he wants for his birthday dinner.

8) I am grateful that he wants his birthday meal ordered in!  Holler!

9) I am grateful that tomorrow is test day, and I can slack off a little bit!  :)

10) I am grateful that my SFA class was so well behaved today.  Iw as feeling super sick this morning, and they were very quiet and just did what I asked them to do.  Very out of character... maybe they felt bad for me?  Who knows... it's just my job to appreciate it.

11)  I am grateful for the oregano my roommate is about to buy :)

12)  I am grateful for the short week.  3 days, woo!

Happy Happy Happy!

Happy because ASU is over, and I don't have to work tomorrow!

1) I am grateful for a day off tomrorow.  Even though I ahve a feeling it is going to be hectic (TFA meeting, packing, cleaning, travelling, night of debauchery), I still feel like it is a much needed step away from the classroom.  I need this break.

2) I am grateful for our trip to VEGAS!  It will be so nice to get away, and what BETTER place to escape reality than Las Vegas!  :)  SO much fun.  I'm also probably going to be alone for a few hours on Saturday night, and I'm actually looking forward to this :)

3) I am grateful for something I noticed in my classroom today.  I have 100% engagement in just about everything I do.  The kids are ALWAYS invested in whatever it is that I'm teaching it.  Even when I don't try.  Somehow, they're just excited to learn.  Even the lower level kids.  This is amazing, and I'm sad that it took me THIS long to realize it :(

Good before the Bad!

1) I am grateful for The Office.  Even though I am near CERTAIN it is ending after this season, it has been a great 6-year run.  I have good memories of the first time I ever saw the show, and it has rarely let me down ever since :)

2)  I am grateful that it is Wednesday.  The week seems a lot better once it's half way over :)

3) I am grateful that I survived my observation yesterday, and that it went fairly well.  All students were on task and engaged, the lesson went over well, and though it was a little messy in the middle, we got through it just fine :)

4) I am grateful for music.  And not just music in general, THOSE songs.  The ones that seems like they were written just for you.  For those situations where you cannot even find the words to speak... and you don't have to, because someone's done it for you :)

5) I am grateful for crate and barrel catalogues.  Gives me something fun to look at, dream of, and eventually look forward to (oh yes, I WILL be registered there, when the day comes, haha)

6) I am grateful for the small bit of confidence in me that knows I will get things done.  Even if there is a TON of stuff on my plate, i am fully confident in my abilities to get it ALL done.  Even if I procrastinate.  Even if I don't want to them.  Even if I don't know HOW to do them.  I KNOW that I will find  a way. That is a nice feeling.

2 days to make up for

No internet access in Flagstaff (well, the hotel at least)...  So this time it's actually not my fault I'm behind!

1)  I am grateful for Oregano's Pizza.  It was a much needed pick-me-up today.

2) I am grateful for chick flicks.  If I'm feeling down, I can at least lose myself for a short bit in them.

3)  I am grateful for having time to go on a brief shopping spree.  :)  I needed some new work clothes.

4)  I am grateful for my little chinese golden waving kittie that I got in Chinatown in San Fran!  I put batteries in it ALMOST 3 months AGO!  And homeboy is still waving!!  It is kind of amazing, and every day I come home to a cat statue welcoming me!  Baller!

5)  I am grateful for sweatpants, warm blankets, and couches to cuddle up on.

6) I am grateful for being just a phone call away from someone who loves me.  If that far...

Happy Friday!

YAY!  It's Friday, and even though it's a FULL day of school, and I have a weekend of TFA stuff, it's still Friday, and that's reason to celebrate!

This weekend I am going to Southwest Summit, just a big conference with TFA peeps from Phoenix and New Mexico.  For the first time, all the sessions I chose had NOTHING to do with Math.  I'm mathed out :)

Things I am grateful for:

1)  I am grateful for coffee.  I HATE the taste, but man does it perk me up.  Especially in the mornings when I need it most, but also in the afternoons if I need to focus.  Thank goodness I am finally able to get over the taste, and drink it!

2) I am grateful for the chance to "get away" a little this weekend.  Even though it's going to be FREEZING, it'll be nice to get a change of scenery and spend time with a great group of people.

3)  I am grateful for the TV show It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.  This is a new one for me, and Roby, Scott and started watching it.  We are on season three and it is HILARIOUS!  It has provided us with a nice little activity in the evenings while winding down for bed, and it's just hilarious.  I love it!  :)

So excited for the day to be done and to be flagstaff bound!  Yay!

In a dark place...

So I guess it's more important than ever that I focus on the positive!

But before I do that, let me try to get some of this out.

Right now I feel like I'm in a very dark place.  A place I haven't quite ever been before.  It's as if EVERY thing in my life that I could POSSIBLY be upset about is hitting me.  And it's hitting me all at once.  The to-do list continues to pile up, and my responsibilities are outpacing me.  I don't feel adequate to live up to all the challenges presented to me, yet I cannot possibly prioritize them. They all seem equally important and imperative to finish.

Very pressing is the fact that my dad is very sick with the flu.  That terrifies me.  How sad is it that my dad having the flu makes my soul weep :(

I am overwhelmed, I am smothered, I am not good enough.  But I am grateful.  At least for a few things.

1)  I am grateful for Taylor Swift songs.  yes, she is a teenie bopper who writes songs for the same demographic.  But sometimes it's nice to travel back to a time of innocence and unwavering optimism.  Someone stole my dreams away from me, but it's nice to remember that I once had them.

2)  I am grateful for my students from last year.  Even if I am not happy with some of their behaviors this year, they were still my first, and will always be my babies and favorites.  I remember the awesome, amazing things that we did together, and how we overcame a lot of odds.  No matter what happens now, no one can take away last year from us.

3)  I am grateful that my big girl job application is nearly finished.  As far as items on my to-do list go, it was one that required little work, yet was somehow the MOST stressful item of all.  Now that it's nearly finished, I feel a big weight lifted off my chest.

Gosh I hope this feeling goes away.

Feeling like a Failure... sigh...

I really wish that this didn't seem like such a chore :(  I guess that just means I need this gratitude blog more than I think!)

I have three days to make up for again (monday, Tuesday, Wednesday), so here we go!

1)  I am grateful for my dad.  Today is his birthday.  Mom didn't make it to hers this year, so I am grateful that I still have a dad.  A dad that I can send birthday cards to, and call to wish him a happy birthday.  I am grateful i have a dad still.

2)  I am grateful that I have a somewhat decent math curriculum this year.  Now, don't get me wrong, it's not perfect, and I IN NO WAY use it the way it was created to be used.  It is worthless to me the way it was given.  However, I am using it as a resource, and it's wonderful.  No more making my own worksheets.  EnVision has some great handouts and student practice, and I LOVE that.  Such a time saver.

3) I am grateful for my strong abilities in math.  Somewhere a long the line, I was blessed with the talent of being able to do complex math problems.  Quickly.  In my head.  It had allowed me to excel in this subject first as a student, now as a teacher.  I don't even realize, but it is so easy for me to break down concepts because they COMPLETELY make sense to me.  And it's fun. Makes me feel like a badass.  I'm grateful for that.

4)  I am grateful for having the day off of school today!  Wednesdays off are fantastic, because I get to sleep in a little, and have a chance to BREATHE!  Even if all I'm doing is more work, it's STILL better than being at school for the day!

5) I am grateful for the comment a co-worker made to me yesterday.  He has several of my students in his SFA reading class, and he told me today that my students were awesome in his class.  "You've really done a good job with them."  This made me feel really good, like I HAVE done something.  I'm grateful that the compliment came at a time I really needed it.

6)  I am grateful that I have my roommate Roby.  He's great, and is so understanding of my messes, dogs, and boyfriend :)  He is so laid back and easy going, it makes coming home a pleasure.

7)  I am greatful for WINE!  Scott and I went to Postino's last night, and though I was a grump before we got seated, we had GREAT conversations over a bottle.  The wine loosened up our talking a little, and we really had some good things to say.  It was great.  All because of some wine :)

8) I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE DOG PARK!  Last year, the dog park was the ONLY break I took from working.  And, the ONLY reason i didn't do work there was because Sadie wouldn't let me.  It was the first place I made non-TFA friends, and I met Scott there too!  It is wonderful.  The last place where life isn't complicated.  Dogs are happy if you just throw a ball and pet them on the head.  The people are happy to have the interaction, and it's just laid back.  No responsibilities.  No expectations.  Just people and dogs.  I love it.

9) I am grateful for Dimsy.  We are going through a process together, and it's nice to have her there with me.  Someone to work with, someone to compare notes with, and someone to mutually freak out or calm down with.  It's great.  She's just such a calming presence, I love her.  And am so grateful she's in my life for many reasons, this was just the first I thought of!

I'll actually try to post a little more today.  I DO have 12 to make up for from the first 4 days... yikes!

AND, I'm already behind...

Ok, so it's bad enough i didn't start on NOVEMBER 1st, and already had some catching up to do.  But now, life gets busy (as it tends to do...) and now I have THREE MORE days to catch up.  So I'm going to list as many as I can, and we'll see where I end up!

1)  i am grateful that I had the means to make my latest purchase... a Wii!  It has been loads of fun to play with, and should provide me with a nice break from all the seriousness that comes with life.  At least, for a little bit anyway!

2) I am grateful for the TV show Gossip Girl.  It provides me a fun glimpse into a life I will never be privy too, and allows me to live in fantasy land, even if it's just for an hour.  It is like a mini vacation, and I enjoy every second of it :)

3) I am grateful for Hob Nob.  Last year Lux was the "it" spot, but it was such a hassle sometimes (too far away, not place to sit, no real food to eat, etc.)  Hob Nob combines the best of Lux (and none of the bad) with an awesome, homey atmosphere.  I am grateful that I now feel like I have a refuge, a place to go when I need to work.  And though I haven't tried it yet, it could be a place I go when I just need to be alone.

4) I am grateful for my boyfriend.  It took me a few "gratefuls" to get down to him, because I want to make sure I word it just right.  It's not that I'm grateful that I have a boyfriend.  And it's not even that I'm grateful for all the things he does for me (though I certainly am).  It's bigger than that.  I'm grateful that I have Scott.  Scott and all of his wonderful, kind, generous, caring, hopeful -ness.  Even though I am screwed up right now, he is my solid anchor in this mess.  It's nice.

5) I am grateful for my new haircut!  I have side bangs, and they look WAY cuter than my last adventure in bangs-land.  :)

6) I am grateful that I was able to find a suitable dress for the upcoming Vegas trip for Roby's birthday!  After a saddening 6 attempts at trying on dresses (and, clearly, no luck), I definitely found a winner!

7) I am grateful for Shon Zelman.  He is such an amazing mentor and role model, and because of him, my kids will have an AMAZING introduction to numerical values.  It's truly all because of him.

8)  I am grateful for Orange Juice.  So tasty, so nutritional, so fresh.  Makes me happy just drinking it, and it puts a smile on my face.

9)  I am grateful for Sunday afternoons.  Lazy Sunday afternoons.  Ones where you've already been productive, and don't feel guilty for lounging, or cleaning, or taking care of you for a change.  Love those!

Phew.  Now I'm caught up.  Except for those first four days.... yikes!

Separate Spheres

A second idea, separate from Gratitude:

I've decided to separate my life into spheres, and try my best to keep those sections separate.

Last week I found myself at a whole new, unprecedented level of GRUMP. And I couldn't snap out of it, no matter how hard I tried. Then I realized, I was taking all my frustrations at ASU, school, life, friends, etc., and taking them out on the wrong people/things. I can no longer take out my feelings about ASU on my students. I can't keep bringing my anger about my classroom into my life.

So. I am a student. That is one sphere. I am a teacher, and have a classroom. There's another. I am in a relationship, so that is a third. And I have a life with friends... my fourth. I guess three and four can mix a little, but it's important to remember that they are, in fact, separate.

Finally, there is a fifth section: myself. I need to make time to be alone with just myself, just my thoughts, to take care of me and do things that I like. Read a book, go to the park, get a massage, watch Grey's Anatomy, whatever it is that makes me happy. This one might be the hardest of all to nurture...

So it's on. I need to do something every day to try to take care of these spheres, but above all, I need to keep them separate. I think this is going to help...

Gratitude Challenge

Haha, here we are in November. Again.

This November I am joining a small group of fellow TFAers and participating in the Gratitude Challenge. Every day for the month, you have to name 3 things that you are grateful for. 3 DIFFERENT things, no repeats. As today was a kind of tough day, it seems like a great time to start!

1. I am grateful for my dog, Sadie. She is a happy face and wagging tail to come home wo, a snuggly bundle of fur to cuddle with, and all she needs to stay happy is a ball, laser pointer, a hand to be petted by or a lake to swim in. She is adorable. And I am so grateful I have her in my life.

2. I am grateful that I am far from home. I love my dad, but sometimes I think that I would go legitimately crazy if I was daily involved in the things that are going on there. Maybe that's a selfish thing. But I'm still grateful nonetheless that I do not still live there.

3. I am grateful for (you ready for this) my colorful pack of markers. Seriously. They make me feel like I have a choice, and in my life right now, the freedom to choose anything I do is valuable. My Thursdays are not my own. Neither are most of my Saturdays, Sundays, Fridays or Tuesdays. I don't have the choice to take sick days, go on vacation, etc. But, I can choose what color I feel like writing in, dammit. And I have 15 different choices.

I'll start with that. At least this should keep me blogging!! :)

Oh, and I guess I'll go public with this blog now, to keep me accountable. Don't mind the rest of my entries, nothing important!

I'm getting better!

Look, less than a month since the last post! Woo hoo!

So, still stuck in Summer School HADES, but at least this is the last week. Then, two weeks of worthless training, and school starts for the year! Summer flew by, had it's ups and downs, but after a refreshing weekend of doing nothing at all, I feel a bit more rested (except for the fact that I caught a NASTY head cold.. that bater was not refreshing, nor did it help me feel rested!).

We are moving this week! So excited! Roby gets back to Phoenix on Thursday, and we start moving that day! I am NOT looking forward to moving in 110 degree heat (HOPEFULLY it's that "cool"), but I am so excited to get out of an apartment and into a house. Apartments are nice, but nothing compares to having a HOME!! With a backyard. And misters that cool down your beer pong area :)

However, with moving out comes the inevitable hassle of PACKING UP! Let's see how much stuff I can get rid of during this move! It's kind of nice, the "cleansing" that comes with it. Hopefully I can eliminate a lot of junk from my collection, and start fresh in the new place.

Still, I foresee a lot of trips to IKEA (I know I know, but it's cheap and easy and I'm poor and tired...) :)

So much to catch up on, it's almost not worth it.  So, we will start fresh from here.  I'm stuck in class, teaching summer school, and even though I'm putting little effort into it, it's still in no way, shape, or form a "break" for the summer.  Damn the Roosevelt School District for making this necessary!

On the bright side, last night I bought my ticket to Denver!  The GABF is going on, and I want to be there!  Hotel is right downtown, but we have  car to drive around anyways.  I am so excited to plan out the trip!  

Nothing too exciting to write now, just very BORED.  Kids are currently finding synonyms for "boring" words.  This means playtime on the computer for Ms. Campos!!  I swear, I am a much better teacher during the school year than this :)

I am so bad at blogging...

But practice makes perfect!

It's been a little over two months since the last post, and I don't feel like catching up with all the stuff I forgot to write about, so I'll just start with the here and now!

I am tired....  Tired of planning, tired of sucking, tired of not sleeping, tired of being a full time teacher and full time student, tired of not making a difference.  

The disillusionment is setting in.  This quarter has not started off well.  We began doing AIMS review packets, and some of my kids could not care less.  They put zero effort into their weekly packets, and their grades reflect that.  They don't even care about that!  Who the heck taught these children it was OK to fail???   

It's so sad to see that these students have had such low expectations their whole lives.  They don't mind the fact that they are failing because they've never been told they can do better!  THey are just "low" students, and that's all they'll ever be.  It's so frustrating.  Not only am I fighting years of poor instruction, I'm fighting years of damaging stereotypes.  I don't know which one is harder to combat.  

I'm hitting a low point.  As a result, I am putting less effort into my lessons.  They're going to fail anyway, right?  :(

Other things are going on in my life, non-teaching related that are just draining.  I feel a little lost right now.  Even though I'm in a completely different situation, I find myself feeling some of the same things I felt in Denver.  I'm just existing right now.  And I hate how it feels.